You Deserve To Be Where You Are
“Don’t let how you feel make you forget what you deserve,” is a quote I found on Instagram that I wish I took a screenshot of to send to my past-self. If I had that opportunity, those words would assist him to overcome tough times. It would be a reminder that feelings aren’t a representation of self, instead, they are exactly what the name entails, it’s the thoughts and energy you feel at any given point in time. You may be lonely or have feelings of despair, but when you realize it’s not your reality you accept your inner-power to overcome any situation.
We may not always experience the joy and happiness that we think life is obligated to hand us. Without unhappiness and pain there would be no growth, these hardships are necessary in order to elevate you closer to the position where you belong. When things get tough, remind yourself that it’s okay — as King Kendrick once said, “we gon’ be alright.”
I am writing these words not only for myself but for you. You deserve to be where you are. So remember, everything is going to be alright, it always is.
I recently visited Washington D.C. exactly one year after I abruptly left the city. Before my trip, a friend of mine asked if I had a favorite place in the city. I stumbled and realized that I didn’t have an answer.
I’ve written about my journey of leaving D.C. and even was recognized for the decision to quit my job. To others, it was an inspirational decision to make. But I’ve never found the strength or courage to write or share my personal feelings and truly express the trauma that triggered my move.
However, the focus of this post isn’t to share my personal story of my time in D.C. but to highlight the experiences of overcoming trauma in a positive manner. In doing so, an affirmation will emerge that you deserve everything the world has to offer.
My visit this past weekend to D.C. was like a visit back in time where I revisited` a place that had a crucial part in modeling my current self.
As I approached the train station to the city, this overwhelming and dark energy overcame me. Like I was facing my demons by coming back to this past place that was a representation of my desolation. The surroundings, buildings, noise, would all trigger that feeling of loneliness that I once felt.
I was irritable. The emotions we experience are linked with physical sensations in our bodies and can be located in specific places in our bodies. I felt all the signs in my body and as I listened to them — my throat tightened up and stomach began to turn — the feelings of anxiousness.
I’ve never had PTSD, but I thought, maybe this is how it feels. I was going back to face my fear again, coming into contact with that which triggered trauma that I’ve tried to bury.
“A trigger is a reminder of a past trauma” as defined by Good Therapy. It can cause an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, sadness, or panic. It is where you flashback and relieve that traumatic event or period.
It was very overwhelming, and I was on the verge of bursting into tears, but as I sat next to my mom, I had to hold it together. I couldn’t show her what I was feeling outward, or cause my own embarrassment, so I thought.
I didn’t want to cry, because we hold this stigma against men, especially men of color, that showing emotions outwardly is portrayed as weak. It’s easier to let the world know who you are than how you feel.
I learned that it’s okay to cry and later that night I would, I cried because I deserved to.
Cry because you’re happy. Cry because of your success. Cry because of your failures. Cry because you’re proud of the person who you’ve become. Crying is a sign of emotional and physical strength while also acting as a therapeutic release.
If you’ve never been alone how do you know yourself?
I spent a lot of time alone while living in D.C.
I’ve always been comfortable with being alone, I’ve even touted and prided myself on my ability to fully enjoy my own company. This self-detachment from society was probably induced by circumstance and depression but definitely heightened by my own internal tendencies. Being alone was necessary, I still believe it is, but like anything else, when abused and out of moderation it isn’t healthy and can lead to severe problems. In this case, for myself, depression.
As we begin to walk through my old neighborhood, Dupont Circle, a historical and affluent neighborhood, my Mom mentions how nice it is. I immediately respond that it was one of the only things that saved me. Yet it also made realize that not even the nicest and materialistic things can’t make you happy.
She later mentions that she can’t imagine me walking around alone, just by myself. It’s then when I realize that she recognizes my trauma but is also trying to hide how much it hurts her to know and see in a certain way first hand, how I lived during this time when I was at one of my lowest points.
Those dark days of living in D.C. are over and after we left the city, I had a better understanding of not only myself, but most importantly, I affirmed myself that I deserved to be where I am because of what I’ve gone through. This is universal, we all deserve to be where we are because of the battles that we have fought, and both won and lost.
We deserve the life that we are destined for.
This saying is often overused, but it rings forever true: “after each dark night is a brighter day.” The dark days not only make for a brighter tomorrow but raise our inner light. The battle scars are our merit, a representation of growth — duly awarded.
Growth is a strange thing to comprehend when you look back at your life trajectory. Every day we are changing and becoming a better version of ourselves. Each of our timelines may be different, but there is a certain point when we reach and realize our worth.
Whether you believe it or not, it’s your duty to accept it — you are here to inspire the world.
This is who you are, so relax. You are worth more than you can imagine. The world’s perception will match your perception of yourself. As I try to instill that saying into my own self, the things in the world around me have started to change — simply accepting that I can manifest my own reality.
When manifesting, look outside of yourself and be bold with your claims. Make sure it’s not a life that’s handed to you but a life that you fought for.
A life that you deserve. Stay true to yourself and never detour off your path. You deserve it all.